No One Reads The Copy: Meet My Alternate Personality

So during the Great East Coast Earthquake Non-Incident of 2011, I immediately took to my social media channels to tell anyone and everyone about my non-near-death experience. Most of my friends in different time zones were quite indulgent and fawned over me, asking me if I were OK, if I wanted to recount my experience, and basically coddled me, which are all things I pretend not to love.

Except my friend Esteban! I sent him two HILARIOUS jokes about the earthquake, and I basically got a "meh" response. Like, when a kid tells an adult, "look at me, look at me!" and the kid can TOTALLY tell the adult is not looking! I felt like my dog when I play ball with him, and then I ~~get bored after 5 minutes~~ have to do other things, and he looks at me like he's the saddest puppy in the entire planet.

This was me. Esteban, why won't you play with me?!

Not only did I make a very hilarious reference to Jenga, but I also forwarded him that hilarious deck chair photo BEFORE everyone else did and it was no longer funny. This was comedy gold! Jenga?! During an EARTHQUAKE?! Come on!

The joke was on HIM. I didn't even HAVE a joke about a tower of cards. I was just being facetious because his lack of giving me attention was making me mad! I could've died that day!

"I don't want to" roughly translates to "I don't have a joke about a tower of cards, but even if I did I wouldn't tell you because I'm stubborn and you sir, are insufferable!"*

*Please note, and I must state for the record, that while this passage MAY make him come off like a complete meanie, Esteban can be quite hilarious, when he wants to, and most of the time his posturing just rolls right off my back because I know he's a man and all weird about saying things like, "Maria, you are quite hilarious and such a good dresser, and I wish I could be as funny and smart as you, and I steal all your jokes and pass them off as my own," even though I know he means exactly that, word for word.

And if you follow me on Twitter (and if you don't follow me on Twitter, may I politely ask, why the eff not? Do you just not like constant jokes and witticisms? Is that it?) or are my friend on gchat, you will be very aware that what I believe to be my own raison d'etre is coming up with something funny to say. I know I'm not like Michael Ian Black on Twitter level of funny, but I amuse myself and in today's myopic, narcissistic world, isn't that all that matters?

(That was NOT rhetorical. The answer to that question is: NO. You need people to confirm and validate your myopic, narcissistic world view)

And so I'd like to share with you all my top status of the week, as so christened by yours truly. And I know the week isn't over yet, but I'm calling the rest of the weekend "a wash." GET IT?! BECAUSE NOW A HURRICANE IS COMING?!!!!?!

So why again aren't you following me on Twitter?

OK, a quick preface. I have this anonymous-ISH blog, because when I first started, I didn't want these nebulous, faceless people on the Internet to know too much about me. And then something happened and it became more that I didn't want anyone in my "real" life to find me, so that's mostly why I won't put my last name on here, so as not to be google-able.

And when I told my therapist all this, she's like, doesn't all that compartmentalization exhaust you? And I'm all like, duhhh, why do you think I'm here?

Anyway! This past week, I've been dealing a lot with all these different Maria's that I have created and have to manage, and while there is a polite, professional, genial "work" Maria, another side of me often comes out at work. And that side has been given a name.

Athena, after the Greek goddess of war.

Athena comes out when someone annoys me with their stupidity or some unreasonable request or just stubbornness and flagrant display of ego.

So basically, Athena comes out AT LEAST once a day.

I blame it on my Greekness, which is quite convenient, since people will excuse a lot of my ranting/fuming/temper on my hot-blooded Mediterranean-ness.

While I'm getting heated about something, I'll often get IMs or phone calls during or after that ask me if Athena is OK, that they can hear Athena roaring from across the floor, that Athena's claw [my elaborate hand gestures] are striking fear into the hearts of all mortals.

And as any copywriter in advertising/marketing well knows, at least once a day, you're asked to rethink your writing to produce a "hard-hitting" call to action, something we want the consumer specifically to do.